Woahbituary

I Am Going To Die In New Orleans In June, So Starting May 1st I Am Going To Showcase 1 Thing I Love Each Day, It's Gonna Be Lit When I Actually Die, Like This Will Be On The News And Shit...Hopefully Fox News, They're Pretty Reasonable Over There. (Also Don't Display A Picture Of Me At Graduation And Smiling, Show The Picture Of Me Sleeping Under My Bed In College)

May 1: I love unsubscribing from emails, nothing more thrilling THAN scrolling through all the bs that is being sold to me and hitting that unsubscribe button, i even press the mouse harder on these

MAY 2: As many people may know, i love chipotle. i love ordering it, i love eating it, i love sleeping afterwards, it just does it for me. i love chipotle so much i CAN'T order it knowing that i WON'T be home for the come down nap and poop immediately after consuming. my only gripe is when they say guac is extra like IT'S my first, "baby I'M a pro and this ain't my first rodeo" (Justin Clark 2016).

May 3: I love fail compilations. they breathe life into me, they make me strive for greatness. i have seen all of them and at one point was worried i would i was watching them too fast and i would run out. forgetting there is a new idiot born each and every second thinking he won't bust his ass doing parkour. i have seen a fail compilation in which people die on youtube, i'm not sure if i was supposed to. anyway, i love them, i am them, i need them. 

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May 4: I love the movie 40-year-old virgin, my favorite movie of all time. first time i seent it was the unrated version with my parents. it was lit. also best scene in all of movies, "...you just got fucked up with him"

May 5: i love taco tuesdays. in honor of cinco de mayo i shall give thanks to whoever invented tacos then decided tuesday would be the most appropriate day for people to enjoy them at a discount. Shout out to culture appropriation!!!!! Salsa sala fiesta!!!!

May 6: I love day drinking. this should be a love of everyone, if not, PROBABLY DON'T KNOW AND THAT'S A GOOD THING. being drunk at 2pm like IT'S 2am is a recipe for success*. DRINKING DURING THE DAY ALSO MEANS NO HANGOVER IN THE MORNING AND YOU GET SOME SLEEP. the booze flow through you like water, IT'S sunny outside and when the weather's nice, forget about it; if you add a beach to the equation (exploding hands and sound effect with mouth.) *success is a RELATIVE term in this situation

TIMELINE OF DAY DRINKING SUCCESS

may 7 (late): i love anti-hero. this is the reason this one is late. you can have 3 and have a hangover APPARENTLY. revolution hit it out of the park with this one; SURPRISINGLY good like another anti-hero, deadpool. go out and have one but if you have 7 you , might black yourself out. you will DEFINITELY be full. hop city bitch, hop, hop city bitch, 10 10 50 and some 20s bitch...

may 8: I love my mother. have to do this one on mother's day. just a special lady, really has done great things for me to succeed, like making forms on the internet. my dad has also done everything he can to make sure i have the tools to make it in life. i think my parent's mission in life was to be tough on me during my school years so that one day i can give them my netflix password, aiming high. i have to add the whole family as well, brothers, cousins, aunts, and uncles. thank you all...enjoy YOURSELVES IT'S a CELEBRATION.

may 9: I (used to) love Kanye, I (used to) love Kanye I even had the pink Polo, I thought I was Kanye. big kanye fan here, started with late registration for me. drive slow was a staple in the scion back in the day. then he decided to drop graduation on me in college. if you haven't heard flashing lights in my presence i do APOLOGIZE, top 3 song for me. everything about screams cocaine induced heart attack. and lunchbox don't ever think i will forget that i was invited then unINVITED to the glow in the dark tour. 808s fucked me up too, so many people hating then you look up and 5,434 people started their careers because of it, just wonderful. mbdtf was an instant classic. then as i finish college this sob decided "hey you want your whole life fucked up? here's watch the throne and some niggas in paris." from live tweeting the video to replaying it 10 times in a row, you couldn't of found a bigger fan of niggas. (don't sleep on cruel summer, go play MERCY right now and tell me you not fighting the next mf you see, go ahead, i'll wait.) yeezus came into my life and my body rejected it at first. on sight sounds like an actual hangover. but playing through the pain i grew to love it and capped it off with seeing the tour. STRAIGHT heat and ruined concerts for me going forward. tlop literally starts off sounding like heaven. heard it on the way to work and almost used a sick day. kanye why you hitting me with father STRETCH my hands so early and with no warning, gd savage. i DIDN'T even right this much about my parents but i love them like kanye loves kanye.

 not ok tho

not ok tho

may 10: i love incorrect PHRASING. or as sterling archer would say phrasing. especially around old people, this a tool i use to get myself through the day. like right now, like as I'M writing this, i heard my boss say "you can bring it here, i have extra room in my box." i mean how else would A normal adult take that? she's talking about her vag OBVIOUSLY. this gets me through the day of working in a cube. basically if you say anything suss at any point around me just know that i heard it and will take whatever way i want. these are good examples in pop culture of some phrasing miscues. also two great shows both have about 3 or 4 of the same cast members. this weekend i'm going to be doing A LOT of bending over and surely will be sore sunday.

May 11: I Love To catch a predator (the show). my favorite reality show of all time. stripping these guys down on national tv is something special. "it says here, meatrocket8: i wanna to lick you up and down and taste your sweet juice. it sounds like you had a specific plan, meatrocket8." all-time favorite moment was when the guy brought his kid with him, biggest savage of all-time and one hell of a phone call to the wife. chris hansen is a straight up g, just so willing and ready to bait and switch and appear from behind the curtain. another great moment is when they caught the same guy a couple of days later at a MCDONALD'S. when you got to have some young action, you GOTTA have it, also that probably makes you hungry for a mcdouble. then lastly the guy who had the duct tape, rope, and wine coolers in his trunk was a real winner. "i was just using this for work." just real great stuff, hopefully they bring it back and INCORPORATE all the new ways of creeping these days. thank you nbc, thank you dateline, thank you chris hansen.

MAY 12: I love halloween. getting the license to put on a mask while getting drunk is something special. not saying words and just staring at people is something i have perfected thus far. creativity is key during halloween. LET'S see if i can REMEMBER each year of halloween since college. mr. t, gay CONSTRUCTION worker, T PAIN, humberto negro cara (black face), nigga in paris, 80s singer, and tony dark. last halloween i was on twitter when i saw a YOUNG man with an actual katana that he brought to work and i had to chime in BECAUSE THAT'S where halloween should cross the line. no actual swords and weapons in public places, i mean come on with that. I'M FORGETTING some years but THAT'S because of the excessive drinking, long live halloween.

 I HOPE TO PULL THIS OFF ONE YEAR

I HOPE TO PULL THIS OFF ONE YEAR

MAY 13: I love casual fridays. nothing like STROLLING into work with something you probably blacked out in last week. just straight comfort from head to toe while you hate the stuff you're doing. what would be better than casual friday is casual everyday obviously, but that's not in the plan currently and we're working on that. in the meantime, take of them slacks, rip off that button down, and toss on this TOMMY bahama heat and YOU'RE all set. did you know that there are sweatpants that look like jeans out there? you're welcome.

pajama jeans

may 14 (late): i love house parties. i've noticed as i get older i go to fewer and fewer house parties. the height of those were in college. meeting strange people, doing strange things, and the beer pong. back in my hay day with curtis we were unstoppable; probably that extra muscle we have right? if you wanna play me right now, you could still get it. the one reason i don't have house parties, is because in college i would take things from each house. not like big things, like little knick knacks, except that one time i took a broom and DUSTPAN.

may 15 (late): I love chicken tenders. every restaurant, every setting, EVERY TIME. some people in my life do not think i should eat these anymore being an "adult" now but whatevs. gimme that honey mustard, give me that ranch, IT'S finna go down. best tenders? i would have to go with cheddars, it's lit!

may 16 (late): i love the feeling right after you move. like this shit is finally done and why the last two entries were late. i have moved every year for about 8 years, fml. when you return the u-haul you should hand over the keys and sexually climax at the same damn time.

may 17: I Love slip-on shoes. pretty basic reasoning, i'm in comfort city when i wear them. i am currently transitioning...from shoes with laces to shoes without. i like to slip-on then slip out while slipping in and slipping out ;)

 get em outta here...

get em outta here...

may 18 (late af): i love 90's television. specifically the cartoons. i'm a big power rangers guy, love the transformers. i mean beast wars my guy? shit was hot. obviously you have to throw in the nickelodeon powerhouse of shows, like really good stuff. i know being younger makes everything seem cooler than it is but that shit is still good to me. they just put animaniacs on netflix and that was an underrated show. you got rocko's modern life and ren and stimpy being pretty adult for kids shows. still haven't seen anyone finish legends of the hidden temple. just classic shows on classic shows on classic shows. i'm not going to bash today's shows because i dont watch them but just know ren and stimpy couldn't air without outrage, shit was gross. let's not forget ahh real monsters either, good stuff. 

may 19: i love childish gambino. didn't think much of donald glover as a rapper so i didn't catch on to him until camp and after that i was hooked. i'm a big fan of summer camps in general and this album sounded like something that needed to be made. after a couple of solid A+ mixtapes came because the internet and because of that album i now categorize gambino as a must listen listen/buy whatever he does from here on out. An indirect disciple of my above entry, Kanye, i just relate to a lot of his material. Btw no one talks about his dancing in some of his videos, i have documented them for your pleasure

may 20: i love Joan Cornella comics. They are just weird, no context having comic strips. Follow that link to his site and check some of his stuff out pretty good. I mean some of them are definitely offensive but too hilarious not to laugh at. Here are some of my favs

may 21 (late): i love 'It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.' Greatest show on TV bar none. The writing, the ancillary characters, the savagery is everything i didn't know i needed in a show. Mac, Dennis, Charlie, Frank, and Dee are all have their opportunities to crash and burn and do in spectacular fashion. Rob Mcelhenney dedication to gain weight then immediately lose it for comedic effect is Christian Bale type commitment. I love dennis becoming an actual insane person before our eyes. Their narcissism/zero self-awareness towards the outside world to get their schemes off the ground is glorious. My favorite ancillary character has to be Artemis, she is about as big of a savage as you can be. I love everything about the show and do appreciate their effort to continue to try new things while still hitting on classic moments. I hope the show goes out the way it came in, hot. 

may 22 (late): i love 80's music. all of it, give me all of it. i was born in the eighties (89) and the music has followed me throughout life. you can put on 80's music in any setting and at any time. it's always lit, from take on me to broken wings, all classic. 80's music is life and ain't going anywhere anytime soon.

may 23: i love ice coffee. definitely needed today after a Sunday Funday that didn't need to happen. Like why do i do these things to myself. Anyway ice coffee is the perfect summer drink to cool and refresh oneself. Honestly i don't know if they work but they sure do taste good. 

ICE COFFEE VS. HOT COFFEE

may 24: i love pharrell's verse on move that dope. talk about coming out of the clouds with the most fire verse of 2014. we were right the happy frenzy; it being played every 15 minutes. move that dope is the point where i had turned the corner with future, just an aggressive drug anthem with heavy bars. pharrell didn't even think he should of done it. then you think it is over and a sound out of the clouds of planet neptune comes in with this:  

Me, I try to leave the best for later
But Pusha tried to put me on the respirator
The old Skateboard P, that's your favorite
Me and twenty girls doin' yoga naked
Frequency high, like a spaceship
She say that she like it and she's been exposed
The Gandalf hat and the weird ass clothes
That's Comme des Garçons and the Buffalo
I know guerrillas with the triggers that's on a banana clip
And packin' with the biggest missiles
These niggas is knocking over vehicles
These niggas ain't waitin' just to see niggas
These niggas ain't tryna hear plea niggas
These niggas like choppin' down trees, niggas
These niggas 1-2-3 and they squeeze, niggas
These niggas hit the weed then they lean niggas, gee, nigga
If you got two hoes, you need to let one go
Two Lambos, you need to let one go
All these drones while y'all smoke dro
There's an eye in the sky, I'm tryna let y'all know
Ain't no standards, I'ma set one though
Big ass bag but no man sandals
All that war, we need to let that go
That boom business, I'ma get that ho

GENERAL REACTIONS

may 25 (late): i love old navy. i have, currently, 35 shirts in my closet, 36 of them being old navy. i have old navy jeans, shoes, hats, bags, sunglasses, sock, underwear, shorts, button ups, jackets, coats, and eyelashes. Kidding on that last one but you get the picture. Just value stacked on value over there at the navy. it's too bad i dont have an old credit card probably have infinite points right now. My dream is to own an old navy that doubles as a nightclub and i'll call it AV. no actual imaging for this one because i can't film inside old navy's anymore because of that lawsuit. just want to be clear i was pointing the camera at the clearance section not the kids...

may 26: working on an powerhour all day today because i love power hours. Besides mainlining booze or butt chugging, i don't know of another way to get drunk quicker, while jammin to some tunes. once mine is up and ready to go, i will do my best to upload it pending any copyright infringement cases. Btw at my age you should not do things like this but you win some you lose most....

may 27: i love long weekends. this happens to be memorial day weekend and see you tuesday bitches. lounging is something i take very seriously and long weekends help me get that done. you really shouldn't live for the weekend because every day can be had but that goes out the window when i get 3+ days to beat off and watch cartoons at the same damn time. 

FRIDAY VS. MONDAY

may 28 (late): i love family guy. to go along with the general theme of this website, talk about a show with no context ever. cut aways after cut aways of random, hilarious, scenarios. i love the show, love the cast and didn't know seth macfarlane actually did a majority of the voice. that's some talent right thurrr. if you know me, you know that i only watch three shows on netflix, family guy, always sunny, and arrested development. give me them reruns fam, i love that shit. here are some of my favorite spots on the shows.

may 29 (late): i love netflix. to go along with the previous entry, being able to sit and watch just about anything for hours with commercials is the greatest idea of all time. i've been telling people netflix is becoming (and already is) a utility right along with water and gas. i use it for reruns because i'm starting to hate new tvs because i think most of them are the same thing with different characters. i will says i have never done the whole netflix and chill stuff because i dont want to ruin a perfectly good episode of always sunny. i would be ok with netflix pause and chill, i can get on board with that. i am actually done being stubborn and now just getting into breaking bad and so far so good. i just hope it doesn't dexter, weeds, or homeland me. that's when you get invested in a show and it becomes complete garbage. long live netflix, long live obesity...

may 30 (late): i love learning new things. i would say i learn something every day, maybe even every hour. this weekend (shout out to all the vets for memorial day, especially my bros Jason and Josh) i learned that you cannot tilt a girl over on her period because things can go sideways real quick. i did not know this because i figured if anything is coming out it would be while they were standing upright. i tried to do a wrestling move on my gf and she wasn't having any of that shit. i did a little investigation and as it turns out it is a thing. a couple of people reached out and even my mother chimed in. it is a thing and i cannot believe. women do not apply to the laws of nature apparently. they also can't go on roller coaster and i have to think this is just another reason on the long, giant list of why being a female absolutely stinks. i could go to six flags every day this month no problem, they can't, how shitty is that. also gymnast don't get periods? yep thats a thing too. like they just stop getting them becuase they be upside down and hanging from shit. wild stuff, i know, but hey it don't hurt to learn something even if it's outrageous and defies the laws of nature. #periodgate

may 31 (late): i love the summer time. nice weather, nice music, nice drinks, no work. if i lived in a city with great weather year round, i'm a homeless person because i won't want to work. BBQs are a staple of the summer as well and i think everyone has a pass to eat whatever they want and as much as they want at these. think about it, you be like 3 plates in a a bbq and no one says a thing. really weird how that works but i'm all for it. also less clothes, just to make this one creepy too. and lets not forget the classic song summer time by the hit maker, will smith

June 1: i love popping and locking. i love to harlem shake. i love to zombie. i love to shake like i'm having a seizure, scaring all the women away. dancing really reveals the inner workings of individuals. you can see into their souls. the sweatier the better, get loose, shake a leg, and drop it like it's hot forever and always. for imaging ill refer to the main page of this site. it's lit!!

June 2: i love sam. i love my girlfriend even if it doesn't show on snapchat or other instances, like life. we've been together for about 4 years now and we make it work every day even through the bickering. she lets me be me, as strange as it may get sometimes, that's all i can ask work. one day we'll probably take this to the next step, being roommates is cool and all but i'm looking for something a little more serious...

THANK YOU TO THE 3 PEOPLE WHO READ THROUGH SOME OF THIS, IT WAS FUN, HOPE TO DO SOMETHING MORE CONSISTENT AND FUN FOR EVERYONE. I WANT MY LAST WORDS TO BE "FRIED RICE $2.99!!!"